Let’s Talk About People-Pleasing

This is something that comes up again and again in my client work. And I’m not talking about the low-stakes version like laughing at a joke you don’t find funny so no one feels awkward. I’m talking about the kind that quietly shapes big life decisions: staying in relationships that aren’t healthy because you don’t want to hurt someone, ignoring your own physical or mental health to be available for others, or hiding important parts of yourself to maintain approval from friends, partners, or colleagues.

On the surface, saying “I don’t mind where we eat” isn’t a big deal. But if that’s a micro-moment of people-pleasing that shows up several times a day, across different areas of life, it becomes a pattern. Over time, constantly sidelining your own needs and preferences in order to be easy, agreeable, or liked has a cost.

That cost is often resentment.

Resentment that other people’s needs are getting met while yours aren’t. Resentment that others feel seen and heard while you feel invisible. It can feel like small pieces of you are being chipped away day after day, week after week. At first, you might not notice it. But unspoken needs don’t disappear...they build. Eventually, that pressure comes out, often in ways that feel surprising, disproportionate, or misdirected.

People-pleasing isn’t just about being “nice.” It’s often about safety, belonging, and learned patterns of keeping the peace. Perhaps when you were younger, it felt safer to make yourself small - to become part of the furniture, to go unseen. In adulthood, however, you might be noticing that this learned safety mechanism no longer serves you.

In the long term, real connection requires something else: honesty about what you want, need, and feel.

If you’ve always been the easy one, the low-maintenance one, the one who doesn’t want to rock the boat, it might be worth gently asking: where have I been leaving myself out of the picture?